Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Cameras in mobile phones can be great sometimes, especially if you shake 'em as you're taking the picture Pulling stupid faces helps a lot as well.
I've got a few of these and will post more soon.
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
I am known for arsing things up and generally getting it wrong.
In my last post I mentioned this as being the final week for the Digicult Digital Shorts 09 scheme. Got that wrong - that would be late November for that.
Another deadline I am chasing is for the BBC Radio comedy sketch show, Recorded for Training Purposes. They are asking for up to three sketches due by the 17th November. I've got a few I might sling their way after a clean up.
Don't know where I got the 31st of October from.
Monday, 27 October 2008
So, while I wait I'm taking a week to myself. But am I? Now this piece of commissioned work is out of my hands for the moment, I'm still itching to get into my spec stuff. I have a couple of feature outlines I want to work on, several short outlines, a short story I'm writing for an online competition (not a big competition but one run by a forum I post on) and this week is the final week to get an entry in to this year's Digicult scheme, so I need to see what I've got and polish and prepare as need be. And there is the floor plinth in the kitchen I need to fix and have been putting off for ages now. But I also need some fecking time off!!
So, this week is kind of my own. But I'll be watching lots of films as well, both for fun and research. The two feature outlines are Horrors but both very different tonally. I got a Hammer Horror box set last Christmas and have been waiting to get stuck into it, along with a lot more horror movies on DVD.
All the while scribbling down any ideas that smash into my attention span.
Excuse me while I fetch a cup of tea, sink into the recliner and hit PLAY.
(How I stay away from the Wii is anyone's guess...)
Friday, 24 October 2008
But one thing that particular scene has which seems to have become a requirement in modern movies is Wallace's "pep talk" to his men before they charge ( also, the real battle was over a bridge and the real Wallace drowned most of his enemy that time, but Braveheart is so full of historical liabilities it's futile to try and set it all straight). Those lines have now morphed into cliche, which is not surprising given the unsubtle nature of that script. Every time I see what looks to be a similar scene in an attempt at a modern epic, I start to hunch up, fearing the cheese approaching. I might as well stick a clothes peg on my nose. This is something I have been trying to avoid myself in my present project, which is a historical piece with battles, but no cavalry saving the day - just one desperate guy.
One moment I feared this was in The Return of the King, which features what I think is one of the best siege sequences on film. Theoden King of Rohan musters his Rohirrim riders as the city of Gondor is about to fall, overrun with orcs and genuinely brutal trolls, flinging people into walls. No nasty rhymes, turning to stone or cheesy fights - these fuckers will smash you to pieces. And there is what could be construed as Theoden's own pep talk.
But, unlike Aragorn later on at the Black Gates (where he does go a bit Wallace, but understandably as the odds are piled against them) Bernard Hill does not mess about. This is Yosser we're talking about now.
Whereas Wallace had the battle cry of "Freedom!", summing up the bleedin' obvious theme of the film, Theoden has a slightly different one. Far more to the point but screaming a bit less about any obvious theme.
And the men all shout it back. Over and over. Intent made clear - these grotty orcs are about to die en masse. And then they charge, slowly at first, the music rising as the horses gather momentum. Breaking through the front line of orcs. And the look on the face of the chief orc as he realises they're buggered.
This is how you lead a charge.
Dammit, if this just doesn't make the hairs on the back of my arm stand up. Can bring tears to my eyes as well. My favourite cavalry charge scene in any movie and probably my favourite scene in all three Lord of the Rings film (the Moria sequence comes close). Put them at their darkest hour before they are saved - good screenwriting.
This is Theoden's second time leading a charge, after heading to what he thinks is certain death in The Two Towers, before he himself is saved by the cavalry. Again, he only has one battle cry and no convoluted pep talk - "Forth Eorlingas!". It does mean something in Tolkien's lore, but what matters is the obvious sentiment, made even clearer on the Pellenor Fields in The Return of the King.
One of those moments I live for in movies.
If only Yosser had led a charge like that outside the DHSS in The Boys From the Black Stuff.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Be warned this is a bit gory and rubbery and is about twice as long as it needs to be.
Some might say it's 100% longer than it needs to be.
But it's also one of the most surreal and frankly hilarious things I've seen in a long time. Yes, I could be a bit sick.
The little things in life. They can make-a-da world go 'round. Every day is made up of tiny little moments that move us forward. Or not, as the case may be. Sometimes we move forward despite some of the other little things. Sometimes they cause mayhem with our progress, either irritating us when we should know better and sometimes preventing us from proceeding catastrophically. As is usual with me, it's the former. One of those things I ought not to get annoyed about and keep reminding myself that a calm mind can win the day whereas shouting at inanimate objects only raises blood pressure, harms the voice, scares the dogs and bewilders the neighbours.
Like a particularly persistent little bugbear which is rearing it's head as I finish my a revision of my present writing project. I suppose you could call this a personal gremlin.
As I'm typing up my screenplay, heading towards that first finish line (for there shall be many more with this script, hopefully), every time I type the word "look" I look up and see that I have typed the word (or non-word) "lok" instead (I actually just did writing that sentence!). No matter how mindful I try to be about making sure I hit that "L" button twice, it always happens. An irritant and one that can be dealt with without getting that annoyed (I tell myself). Yes, your friendly, neighbourhood spell-checker deals with these things as swiftly as an edit in a Michael Bay film.
Yes, modern technology is wonderful, but still has to contend with the non-logistics of human nature. You see, another manifestation of this personal gremlin is the word "from". Or is that "form"? Because that's what I seem to type all of the time when I mean "from". And you friendly neighbourhood spell-checker has no trouble with this either. Which is what gives me trouble. Because this persistent irritance is not a non-word, like "lok". It is indeed a word, with it's own meanings which can change a sentence. And my script writing software has now grammar checker (that I can see anyway) Yes, I know of the value of proof reading one's own work but dammit, do I have to proof read as I type? It's just that it happens so bloody often.
Look! Lok! From! Form! Aaaaargh!!!!
So, now is the time to remind myself that this is an example of one of those little things which I ought to know better about. A personal gremlin that can be flung out into the daylight to melt in a puddle of green goo by merely calming down and dealing with the little things which constitute the day.
And that concludes our Vent for the Day.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Ah, Total Recall.
What can one say?
Utterly stupid. And yet so much FUN.
I just caught the last 20 minutes or so of it on TV and forgot how much I enjoyed what was my first cert 18 film in a cinema (as I’ve said before, I was a really skinny and short kid and looked younger than I was. Oh, how times change) . Odeon, Clerk Street, Edinburgh, July 1990, with my mate Stephen and my brother Sandy. Yes, my younger brother. I was that wee.
The bits I caught just now mostly constituted the end of the film and, frankly, the bits I enjoyed the most. Inflating faces, deflating faces and Ronny Cox’s most hilarious onscreen death. Rob Bottin’s work was amazing on this one – even if I did read one arsehole write on YouTube that he thought The Thing’s FX were cheesy compared to today’s CG. Someone stop that kid and show him a real horror movie. His Kuato puppet was superb, even if the little bugger did look like he should have had a cigar in his mouth, And while Arnie and Rachel Ticotin do get a couple of amazing puppet stand ins for the more obviously painful shots – bulging eyes and tongues while shaking uncontrollably – it’s Ronny Cox who provided me and my companions with the biggest laughs, writhing around for a prolonged period in the Martian atmosphere, or lack thereof, only to have his eyes and tongue stick so far out that he succumbs to extreme puppet screaming and convulsing.
Martian atmosphere notwithstanding of course, as they'd have likely frozen to death in an instant and had the moisture evaporate from their bodies pretty quickly as well. Said the boffin. I don't know, but it wouldn't have happened like that. And if it did, their swelling would have ruptured every organ and blood vessel in their bodies. Ah, shit, it's an Arnie film. I shouldn't be saying any of this.
All that and my favourite farewell to Michael Ironside, a great actor with many onscreen farewells – “See you at the party, Richter!” Potentially one of Arnie’s greatest one-liners.
I did wonder if Richter's arms caught up with his as he fell and what the look on his face would have been like had he seen a pair of leather clad forearms swish past.
Friday, 10 October 2008
"Something caused all of this to happen. but what caused that cause?"
- Dialogue "gold" from Maximillian Schell.
I felt the urge to revisit an old film from my childhood (What? Again, you say?) after reading Edgar Wright's blog on The Black Hole recently. And conveniently, it was on TV a few days later. I had to record it and so only managed to see it again a few hours ago.
My memories of the ending and its traumatisation of my little mind are just as intact.
I strange one, The Black Hole is. It came hot on the heels of Star Wars (yes, that film again), along with dozens of other cash in films in the late 1970's and 80's. As a result, it was sold that way. Naturally, it being a Disney film, it was aimed squarely at kids. It had the prerequisite kiddy appeal characters - the robots V.I.N.C.E.N.T. and Old B.O.B. (voiced by Roddy McDowall and Slim Pickens respectively) clearly intended to latch on to the cute robot craze revolving around R2D2 and even harked back to 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, with Schell's Reinhardt as a their Captian Nemo. Lots of action Robert Forster and Joseph Bottoms as Han Solo kinda guys blasting evil robots left right and centre - easily done as the Sentry robots made Stormtroopers look like SWAT marksmen. Yes, lots of adventure in the far, distant reaches of space.
Until about 10 minutes from the end.
Often, there are things which can scare kids for the strangest reasons. Sometimes they're meant to. Sometimes they're not. The latter certainly seemed more prevalent in the 1970's - that's why we had sofas then. In the case of The Black Hole, who knows? What matters is that after the fun adventure where our heroes seem to escape from the mad scientist, the demented spirit of Hieronymus Bosch seemed to seep into things. At the end of the movie, a meteor storm causes the USS Cygnus to lose control and start to fall towards the Black Hole, falling apart in the process. The laws of physics are also torn asunder by the script as Joseph Bottoms looses his grip and starts to float off towards the Black Hole, rescued by V.I.N.C.E.N.T., whose floating function would appear to better the most powerful pull known in nature. That and the fact that floating off into a vacuum has no side effects on Bottoms' character. But, hey, it's a kids' film, these things don't' matter.
So I kept telling myself, it's a kids film, it's a kids film, as Dr Reinhardt, floating in space/the Black Hole/hell flips up into frame, hair like rope, eyebrows and beard even bigger than before, mad eyes darker. A tiny bit of pee might have come out. I'm not sure. But I'm sure about the cold shiver that went down my spine at this, as he seemed to meld with Maximilian into one being, while the humanoid robots wander about in the hellish landscape of fire which Maximilian seems destined to rule.
These images, played alongside some of the creepiest music John Barry has every composed, absolutely petrified me and yet fascinated me. That, along with the V'Ger flyover in Star Trek - The Motion Picture (with the creepiest music Jerry Goldsmith ever composed), still creeps me out to this day.
And this is a kids film?
Well, at least the good guys seem to be spared eternal damnation in the Black Hole as it appears Hell is on the way to Heaven, or so the glittering archways (reminiscent of the hallway in the Emerald City in The Wizard of Oz) and apparent angel would indicate. And then, here they are, out the other side heading towards a planet with a sun rising behind it. But, my now fractured mind thought, where the fuck are they? I had just been exposed to the creepiness of the hell landscape in the Black Hole, this planet they're heading to could be a gas giant or have an atmosphere of hot gaseous lead. But, no, it's a Disney film, I reminded myself. They're fine.
Where this came from or what it all meant is up for debate in a pub somewhere, populated by 30something geeks, like me perhaps. I did hear that the end came about because it simply hadn't been written in time for filming and the FX guys and director just went for it. It's certainly not the ending which was featured in the novelisation of the film (church jumble sales in the early 1980's were goldmines for lunatics like myself). I flipped eagerly to the end where the main characters who appear to escape in the film, are actually compressed into one single entity, retaining a joint consciousness before being spread out into the universe as billions of particles of matter, making up new stars and planets. Just as mad, but a bit more sci-fi than the film. Not as much fun either.
The thing about The Black Hole is that there are some great visual moments in it. Like the giant hot meteor rolling down towards the heroes (more physics guff), well before Harrison Ford's jaw dropped in South America. Some of the production design is impressive as well, or at least seemed so to me back then, the bridge of the USS Cygnus a huge, almost Ken Adam style set lined with hundreds of multi-coloured squares of light.
John Barry's score is also great, very haunting and at times malevolent. He would do the same thing for the appalling and therefore great fun Italian Starcrash a few years later. Strangely endemic to Disney films of that era and before, The Black Hole also seems to have that strange tinny dialogue I remember coming from the Herbie films and Jim Dale in some clip on Disney Time, some forgotten Bank Holiday. The whole film, apart from one short bit in one scene, is looped and everyone seems to sound like they're talking loudly in a tin can. Strange. Even Mary Poppins sounded like that. At least it was one way of telling my young self that it was a only Disney film.
Another fine thing The Black Hole gave us was the long overdue immortalisation of Ernest Borgnine as an action figure, both small and 12 inch.
Airwolf never managed to do that, did it?
Now, to try and get my hands on Something Wicked This Way Comes...
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Well, I found out why.
It's no secret I'm nuts about the Indiana Jones movies - ALL of them (yes, there were big flaws in Crystal Skull, but they were outweighed by the good). I've got the soundtracks, I'll be getting the expanded soundtracks, I've got the DVDs, even a couple of Indy figures. Temple of Doom was the movie which actually made me clearly decide that I wanted to make films.
But I never had the movie cereal.
My friend, who sent this to me, is though. He's got an unopened box of C3PO's somewhere - hell, they're probably dangerously explosive by now - and has a knack for spotting strange collectibles sometimes. Ordinarily I wouldn't really look twice at these but he saw them and thought of me. Awww. The box is American and I don't know if these have been bought in the UK or not. If they're imported, then again, Awwwww.
They're the kind of typical marshmallow cereal I've never had and would give Jamie Oliver a sudden and fatal heart attack on sight, but I'll give 'em a try. I'm not one for hoarding things in boxes. My Star Wars collection is all opened and out the boxes. There are little Crystal Skulls, Fedora hats, torches and Temple of Akator shapes in it. Might be fun, considering my usual cereal is Bran Flakes, with the occasion bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.
As a result, I'll link to my friend's shop website. He runs a couple of video rental shops in Oxford, one of which specialises in comics and has loads of cool autographed photos on the walls, including Burt Reynolds and Sam J. Jones (Dino DeLaurentis' Flash Gordon from 1980). Go see his cool shops.
Sunday, 5 October 2008
A few posts ago, I wrote about my disappointment in the new Clone Wars film. Some people said "it's about time!" but the fact is that the effect that Star Wars had on me as a kid will never fade away or get jaded, no matter how many Jar Jar's there may be in the world. I saw it at exactly the right age, without irony or cynicism. Yes, there are a lot of things about the new films which are rubbish but they have not ruined my memories. The only thing that could do that would be some sort of blow to the head, and even then I wouldn't know any different. My memories of those screenings are indelibly seared into my mind and have helped put me where I am, which is not exactly where I want to be but it's a start. So here is a post I made about 18 months ago during Star Wars' 30th anniversary. George Lucas didn't rape my childhood. He did something good once and it has stayed with me. This might help explain why I see the good things about the prequels, past the glaringly and obviously bad.
MySpace blog posted 25th May 2007.
30 years since Star Wars came out (in the US at least. I think it was Christmas in the UK). Where did it all go? Where's my hair going now?
Who'd have thought we'd still be talking about it. Never mind the new films, special editions, cartoons, TV, etc. This isn't about them.
It was a film. It was the film.
What was I doing back in 1977? As if anyone wants to know, but since you're nice enough to read this blog, then why not?
When it cam out in the US, I was almost 4 years old. Almost, but not for about three months. Now, I'm not sure as to what the official line is with regard to when we begin to truly form memories and I'm not about to say that my earliest memories are of Star Wars (more of that scary and fucked up poster of Tomsk from The Wombles above my bed), but I do seem to remember things from that period. A lot of it has to do with my Dad. He loves Sci-Fi and so things like Star Trek, Space 1999 and Doctor Who would be on in our house regularly, and I would regularly hide from them. So it was logical that he'd be interested in it somehow. But that wouldn't be for a couple of months, but more on that later.
Another bit of TV from back then I remember with about as clear a memory as I have from back then was a show called Clapperboard, presented by a guy called Chris Kelly, on ITV. Whereas the BBC had Barry Norman giving his opinions about films, Clapperboard actually showed some of the filmmaking process. So when Star Wars happened in the US and it began to get crazy, they pounced. For me, Clapperboard was all about Star Wars. I remember seeing quick clips of the film, particularly, bizarrely enough, Ben Kenobi's death (or it may have been some kind of sketch on one of those bad comedy shows back then, like Dick Emery or something), which would have been a bit of a spoiler back then, had the term ever been coined by that time.
I remember seeing men with beards making the most complex and real looking model spaceships and filming them. So, as someone who has been involved in filmmaking, it was my first initiation into the actual process of filmmaking - even as a four year old, I knew what a film camera was at a kind of fundamental level.
And there were these amazing characters. As I recalled them back then - Luke Skywalker, Princess Leea, Dark Vador, R2D2, C3PO, The Man, The Old Man, The Friendly Monster, Stormtroopers, the Sandymen.
Don't get technical with me - that's how I knew them when I was four.
Hype grew and somehow, even though I'd never been to a cinema before or actually knew what one was, I wanted to see this. As a 4 year old, my prime mission in life was to see Star Wars. And then I found out my Dad was going to see it - now, I don't know if this was when it screened at the Edinburgh Film Festival (as I believe it did - I could be wrong) or if it was closer to Christmas when it went on general release in the UK. And so I asked.
He said no.
"But why? Why can't I come and see Star Wars with you?"
"Because you're too young. It'll probably frighten you."
- Pauses for breath - resumes typing -
He came back and told me all about it - he loved it but thought that the creature cantina would have been too much for my four year old mind of fear. But I would see it when I was older. For a four year old, that means forever.
My resolve remained. If I couldn't see it, I'd still know more about it somehow. The fuss on TV saw to that. Images and sounds from the film were everywhere. There was nothing like it. Clapperboard and other similar TV shows would have to suffice.
I started primary school the following year in 1978. I was five years old. It was still on. And then the toys came out.
THIS WAS IT!
Or, to be precise, the adverts for the toys came out as I wouldn't get any for another year.
Everyone in my class, boy or girl, knew about Star Wars on some level. But it seemed I was the kid who really loved it even though I hadn't seen it yet - I don't think any of us had; most kids' first film was Bambi or Snow White back then. We all spoke about the characters and tried to play it, making the noises as best we could, with all the inaccurate names for the characters still in a slow state of evolution for us. But that didn't matter because these characters were so clear cut that to us very young and imaginative kids it was like sowing seeds in the best soil - our imaginations were as fertile as they probably ever were, unclouded by conscience or remorse or delusions of...oh wait. Wrong film.
Fact is, it practically ruled my life then (my wife would argue that point with regards to nowadays as well). I got my first action figures (Star Wars Men as we called them back then) for my 6th birthday - C3PO & R2D2 along with a Star Wars Transfer Set, followed by Darth Vader and a Sandpeople. I was getting the names right by this stage.
It set so much of my life in motion. I would write about it, or write Sci-Fi stories (it was either Star Wars or Superman for a while). I became more and more aware of the process of filmmaking (as much as a small kid with no access to a camera could back then) and began to learn about who made this film - the guy with the beard. And then about his friend, the other guy with the beard.
I loved the music, which was hard to get a hold of here back then. I had to make do with that shitty disco version by Meco or crappy inferior versions by Geoff Love, et all, until we got the original soundtrack on vinyl. I sat and listened to it with my mum, a rare thing as she had little time for my obsession back then but appreciated the music. It began to give me an appreciation of music beyond Showaddywaddy and Adam and the Ants. To this day, when I'm driving and Classic FM play an adapted version of any movie soundtrack that is not from the original recording, I start off. My wife has too much patience with me. She really does.
It would be a while before I'd actually see Star Wars. I'd read the comic and and novelisation and knew the story inside out - although I was disappointed not to see Jabba the Hutt in it as he was in the Marvel comic adaptation. In fact, Star Wars would not be the first film I'd see in a cinema. That honour was reserved for The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad (pure gold!). Nor would it even be the first Star Wars film I'd see in a cinema.
Word got around very early in the newspaper cinema listings about what was being called Star Wars 2. Clapperboard began running items on the new film. And so it began again.
"Can we go and see Star Wars 2?"
"No, it'll be too expensive."
There were three of us kids by this time and trips to the cinema were very rare.
"Well, it is your birthday soon."
And so my Great Uncle Jimmy (or Uncle Chimney as I called him, for some obscure reason) got me tickets for The Empire Strikes Back for my 7th birthday. And I was simply not prepared for the experience I was about to have, or how it would sear itself indelibly onto my memory for the rest of my life. - so much of what I want to put into my films (short as they may be) or into the scripts I write comes from that day when I saw The Empire Strikes Back.
It was all so hyper-real. The snow, the swamp, the asteroids, Cloud City, all of the sounds, the best movie score to this day.
And I knew more than ever I wanted to be Han Solo.
I sought out everything I could about the film. I'd eventually see Star Wars in a double bill with Empire - everything I wanted it to be, but the seed for liking the darker aspects of it all had already been sown by this time. We all had such a good time as a family at the double screening that my Dad took the corners tight on the way home, making spaceship noises and claiming we were all in the Millenium Falcon.
The action figures kept coming, my parents put up with it until after Return of the Jedi and eventually, after a long time, thought that maybe I could learn to make movies at university (after movies made at school with friends. Violent films. Very violent but funny films which got banned by our teacher. Heh). My family was really proud at my graduation ceremony and at the other bits and pieces I've done. And the ambition still burns deeply.
All because of a film my Dad refused to take me to see.
Sounds a bit like I'm harping on as if it means something to others, which it really doesn't as I'm just another film student / wannabe / trying to get there persistent bugger.. but it was so important to me and still is.
We went to see The Empire Strikes Back on my birthday - me, my Dad, his pal Stewart and my little brother, Sandy, who was five at the time but has always been bigger than me, even then (I was very small and skinny).
My Dad initially refuesed to take me to see Star Wars on the grounds he thought it would scare me.
The lights go down.
The epic crawl begins.
The words "has dispatched thousands of remote probes in the far reaches of space..." fade into infinity.
Camera tilts down to reveal the massice Imperial Star Destroyer in space.
And a strange sound comes form my left.
My little brother, bigger than me and next to me, is hiding behind behind the seat, say he wants to go home. Absolutely petrified. Mt Dad calms him down.
And I sit in jubilant silence.
Saturday, 4 October 2008
I've been absent. So here I am, blogging but never sure if said absence is noted. The blogsphere still remains a bit of a mystery to me (it also makes me think of the Vogon home planet in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy).
A slight catch up.
Still writing but hopefully entering my last week at my present revision. Eager to get on with my other ideas and to take this present project forward in some form or another. I have a couple of short ideas I want to write and film and two feature ideas brewing away, all horror but varying a great deal in tone.
Just spent a week in Crieff. A nice break, less deserved for me, more deserved for my wife. She has another week off while I put my nose back to the grinder and hope to shave it down to a bit of torn gristle (yep, I've got an urge to write some horror). There may be some pics about in a subsequent post (not my imaginary mauled nose, our week away). And we shot some arrows and watched all of Heroes series 2, leading into the new series. A bit Heroed out now.
But today held a nice little event when I attended a friend's birthday gathering, involving a cinema screening of Back to the Future. Absolute gold. It still holds up wonderfully, even after 23 years - yikes! The last time I saw it in the cinema was New Year's Day 1986, with my brother. In other words, a loooooooooong time ago. The print was an original from 1985, with a few bits missing; apparently, some projectionists steal frames of iconic moments, which may explain the poor state of the BFI's print of Jaws, which I've seen three times in the past 13 years and has some sweet moments ruined by some missing frames. The last time I tried to see it, the screening was cancelled as the cinema thought that the print was unshowable A shame. But Back to the Future was mostly intact save for some understandable messy segments at the start and tail of each reel and the odd few frames missing. Biiiig rounds of applause at certain moments and I was surprised at how much more detail I was able to pick out in the shots, surprising considering I've seen the film many times on VHS and DVD.
But, major thanks to Laura (who I owe for the ticket - such is the life of the writer - skint), whose birthday it was, for putting on a superb flick to celebrate her birthday. There were even a couple of Doc Browns and Laura herself was dressed as Marty's mum from the Enchantment Under the Sea dance. Amazing the love people have for films like that. As much as I adore Star Wars and Indiana Jones, I'd likely not get dressed up for a film screening.
OK, I admit it, I did get dressed up as a very cut price Indiana Jones for a fancy dress party last year.
My apologies for any distress caused. But that's the only time, ok? I said ok? Stop looking at me like that.
Why do I always have to gurn unattractively in just about every picture taken of me?