I ended my last post claiming the next one would be positive. Best laid plans...
Nine days into the year and I haven't blogged. Have I nothing to say? Not sure. Only that I feel that life is dominated by worry right now. Not life threatening, or anything. Just worry and my old friend anxiety. Not earning enough money. At all. One of those times when things seem bleak and I wonder what the point of it all is. Years spent learning about filmmaking and screenwriting and I seem to be nowhere. I feel old and like I'm staggering around in the dark on my own. Really old. Have I wasted the past two decades?
Still trying to write but it's difficult just now. House in partial upheaval at the moment as a good friend of mine of re-doing our woodwork from the just-not-right-at-all dark brown to white. Makes the main hall seem like a different room. A relatively simple task like getting rid of dark outlines makes a hell of a difference.
Quit booze. Made a fool of myself on New Year's Day. A week into sobriety and have been tested a few times already and didn't fall off the wagon. Resolute. Good. I don't want a drink again for a long time. Even a few pints will make me tired the following day and getting pished knocks me over for two days. This isn't age. Always been that way.
Looking at some of the yo-yo nature of my posts, I sometimes wonder if I'm bi-polar. Unlikely. But the niggling little thought about mild Aspergers still pecks away. Not something to be joked about.
Who knows what the rest of the year will bring? Something better, I hope.
It's good to vent.
Life is composed of good stuff and bad stuff.
ReplyDeleteObviously we try to maximise the good stuff and minimise the bad stuff but the idea that there is something "wrong" with someone just because bad stuff makes them feel bad and good stuff makes them feel good is ... well ... stoopid.
It's life.
Most people go through life letting it blow them this way and that. If you have some kind of purpose (like being a writer) you immediately start to feel those winds; some of them run counter to your purpose. So they are going to annoy and depress you.
There's nothing wrong with that because at that point you have two choices: (a) give up and join the masses who go where the wind blows because it's easier; (b) keep your heading and remember that sometimes the wind will be at your back.
Aharrr me hearties! Give 'em a broadside!
(That got terribly nautical.)
Also creative people unfortunately tend to attract that nasty little percentage of people who just *have* to bring you down. Again, it's not *you*, it's them.
Been there mate, as you know. The January blues are the worst(especially if you give up drinking!)but there is always the doc to get your seratonin levels back up.
ReplyDeleteTell your moaning auld mod of a neighbour Happy New Year for me, will you?
Not sure I'll ever give up. I've wanted to write and make films since I was about 10, maybe earlier. I just should have achieved more by now and feel I'm letting other people down.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the words, guys. It's not my intention to fish for sympathy, just to vent my frustrations. My head is wired all wrong and depression is a kicker.